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The Tesla Telephone. The MuskPhone. Name it what you need, however this solely hypothetical system acquired Musk followers frothing on the chook web site this week. Sadly for them, it’s not going to occur.
All of it happened by Musk “declaring warfare” on Apple, very similar to a toddler “declares warfare” on its toys when issues don’t go its means, earlier than hurling them at a wall. A barrage of tweets on 28 November started with Musk publicly berating Apple for largely stopping promoting on Twitter and asking: “Do they hate free speech in America?” (As a result of, as everyone knows, free speech within the USA compels companies to promote on a particular social media platform. It’s in the Structure – look it up!)
If that wasn’t embarrassment sufficient, Musk claimed Apple had threatened to withhold Twitter from its App Retailer, however wouldn’t say why. Musk then feigned shock at Apple’s 30% App Retailer minimize after which stated “if there isn’t a different selection, I’ll make another cellphone”. Cue: fanboy frothing, dodgy tech business headlines about how Musk was making a cellphone, and head-desk moments for anybody with a crumb of integrity. (Apple didn’t remark – its total PR crew presumably bewildered by Musk’s utterances.)
Then all the things modified: Tim Cook dinner took Musk on a stroll round Apple HQ and the battle was over. Increase! This was no Anglo-Zanzibar Battle, however even I used to be stunned on the brevity. In spite of everything, Twitter’s new chief was having fun with whipping up his Musky Military, who’d to a person promised to hurl their iPhones into the ocean and purchase the handset Musk would pull straight out of his mind – whereas planning to implant tech straight into theirs.
An artist’s impression of Musk mind implants. Presumably. (Picture: SHVETS manufacturing)
Which acquired me pondering. Had Tim Cook dinner not calmed Musk down, what would a MuskPhone seem like? Even when you’ve billions within the financial institution, you possibly can’t magic tech out of skinny air. Nor an ecosystem. Slapping a Tesla sticker on an present Android blower wouldn’t do a lot if the cellphone didn’t have entry to Google Play Companies and the Google Play retailer. (Sure, there are Android forks that may fudge this. But when a serious participant tried to, Google attorneys would reply with knives. Or at the least sharp and pointy lawsuits.)
Maybe Musk wouldn’t care, and he’d divert the actually a number of remaining Twitter staff to make his hallowed X app. So as a substitute of a house display screen or app retailer, MuskPhone would boot with a single choice: MuskMe. With a faucet, you’d be hurled right into a walled backyard of Musk, from which there’s no escape. And for which you’d pay $8 a month for no apparent profit.
On utilizing the cellphone, you’d instantly realise its accelerometer inexplicably tilts to the precise at each alternative, regardless of swearing blind it’s completely balanced. The X app’s information feed would comprise people being named and shamed for ditching MuskMe or the MuskPhone itself, confirming them as enemies of free speech in America.
There could be day by day daring claims about future options that might be abruptly and quietly deleted, making you query your personal sanity. And essential parts would randomly cease working – however the battery would then mysteriously lose a 3rd of its run-time when you took your MuskPhone to a Musk Retailer for a service.
Nonetheless, it may very well be worse. No less than it wouldn’t be a Twitter Peek.
Associated: What’s Mastodon? All it is advisable to know to modify from Twitter
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